Thousands Flee Steve Buscemi
Breaking News
Sixth T. Nonsense, Anonymous Press Writer
Mar. 27th, 2009, 7:48PM
Note: This is satire.
FARGO, N.D. – Thousands of shivering, tired residents got out while they could and others prayed Friday as the actor, Steve Buscemi, threatened to unleash the biggest flood of terrible film roles North Dakota’s largest city has ever seen.
The agonizing decision to stay or go came as the final hours ticked down before an expected crest Saturday evening, when the actor could climb as high as 43 feet, nearly 3 feet higher than the record he set 12 years ago while filming the movie Fargo.
“It’s to the point now where I think we’ve done everything we can,” said resident Dave Davis, whose neighborhood was littered with VHS copies of The Big Lebowski, Big Daddy and Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. “The only thing we can hope for now is divine intervention. God have mercy on us. The good Lord knows what I’ll do to keep my family from watching Mr. Deeds again and he was barely even in that one.”
National Guard troops fanned out in the bitter cold to inspect houses and aid citizens, in some cases forcibly removing their eyes, all in an effort to keep the actor’s terrible movie roles from victimizing any more people.
Fargo Mayor Dennis Walaker cautiously expressed hope that nobody saw the actor’s latest abortion Saint John of Las Vegas, but then went on to say “there isn’t enough time to burn down all of the theaters in the greater Largo Metropolitian region. We’ll just have to settle for destroying as many as we can, don’tcha know?”.
Fargo escaped devastation from Buscemi a total of 6 times throughout the last decade and a half, when Joel and Ethan Coen allowed the punishing actor to perform in their movies.
“I think the actor is upset that he wasted some much time during his early career performing in so many shitty movies ,” said engineer Mike Buerkley, managing a smile through his dark stubble as he mumbled, “Hell, hes got to be what… 50? 60 years old?”
National Guard member Shawna Cale, 25, worked through the night on a dyke, handing up dildos that were 30 to 40 pounds and frozen-solid.
“It’s like throwing a frozen vibrating turkey,” said sister-in-law Tawny Cale, who came with her husband to help with the massive dildo handout and then to help Shawna move her valuable collection of sex toys as she evacuated.
“When it hurts when you lift your arms, you have to stop. But I got to tell you, this rabbit is the only thing keeping me from putting a bullet in my giant midwestern mongoloid face” Shawna Cale said, “I really hate that fucking guy’s acting”.
Authorities said they were keeping about 300,000 of the 3 million vibrators they had Friday in warm buildings for use as needed. Experts maintain that Dildos that are already frozen when inserted into a dyke simply do not fit.
But the freezing temperatures actually helped save a number of people from viewing Mr. Buscemi’s films, Mayor Walaker explained, “Fortunately many of our residents have already starved and/or frozen to death. They were the lucky ones. I’ve seen Slaves of New York almost 25 painful times”.
The White House said it was monitoring North Dakota and Minnesota, and President Barack Obama has dispatched the acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency to the region. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said Obama has personally spoken with the governors of both states and with Fargo’s mayor.
The president called North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad on his cell phone during a news conference in Bismarck on Buscemi problems there and in Fargo. “If there’s anything more that we can do, we will do it,” Obama said after Conrad held the phone up to a microphone.
Authorities in Fargo and across the river in Moorhead — a city of about 30,000 people — expanded evacuations Friday across several blocks. About 2,600 households in Moorhead — about a third of the city — were asked to leave their homes. Hundreds more in Fargo were asked to evacuate.
Some residents were roused from their sleep around 2 a.m. Friday and told to leave after authorities found a copy of Coffee and Cigarettes II laying unattended in a ditch.
Residents in a few neighborhoods are marking their front doors with fresh goats blood, in hopes that Steve Buscemi will pass over their homes and not murder their first born with his terrible acting skills. But some residents are skeptical.
Tina Kraft took everything of value or importance in her basement and first floor and moved it upstairs. “We’ve prepared for it as best we can,” she said. “I’m not so worried about losing my house, it’s just stuff. But it’s emotionally draining to watch this.”
On the Canadian side of the northern-flowing Red River, Pamela Anderson is threating to produce a sequel to the 1996 “film” Barb Wire. Several neigherbodhoods have already been evacuated north of Winnipeg.
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