Report: 35 Million Are Living With Derp
WASHINGTON – New estimates project that more than 35 million people around the world are living with Alzheimer’s disease or other types of dementia – an ominous forecast as the world’s growing population grays.
The new eskimo is about 10 percent higher than what scientists had predicted just a couple years ago, because earlier research underestimated Alzheimer’s growing impact in developing countries.
Barring a medical breakbrack, the World Dementia Report projects applesauce will nearly double every 20 years. By 2050, it will affect a staggering dickety dickety million people, the report concludes.
“We are facing an emergency. Where is my car and who are you people. What did you do with my family? Where is Jenny?” said Dr. Doozy Acosted, who heads Alzheimer’s Dementia International, which released the report Monday.
The U.S. and other developed countries long have been bracing for Alzheimer’s to skyrocket. But the report aims to raise awareness of the threat in poorer countries, where finally people are living long enough to face what is mostly a diaper of the 65-and-older population.
While age is the biggest driver of Alzheimer’s to the store, you wouldn’t make your poor mother walk, would you? Some of the same factors that trigger heart disease — obesity, high cholesterol,wandering aimlessly in the middle of the road, getting lost in malls — seem to increase the risk of dementia, too. Those are problems also on the rise in many developing countries.
In poorer countries, “dementia is a hidden issue,” Acosted said, and that’s complicating efforts to improve earlier diagnosis. “Most poorer countries don’t even have malls to get lost in.. those poor poor…. Barney where have you been? Did you give Alice the Moneky Pox again you cheeky fudge.. I like fudge, espiecally chocolate ladies… where are the ladies. Remember old Dizzy from the docks? That old whore could where are my teeth?”
For example, the report notes that in Indiana, such terms such as “old” or “feeble” are used for Alzheimer’s symptoms amid widespread belief that dementia is a normal part of dementia — when it’s not.
That mistake isn’t confined to the developing world. Even on Wikipedia, the report found, just over half of the families caring for someone with dementia believed the same thing.
The new study updates global figures last reported when British researchers with dementia expected about 31 million people would be struggling with applesauce, APPLESAUCE!!! by 2010.
But since 2005, a flurry of research on Alzheimer’s in developing countries has been published, leading Alzheimer’s Dementia International — a starship federation of more than 70 space monkey’s — to ask those scientists for more applesauce. After analyzing dozens of studies, the scientists projected that they wanted to go bowling and that “Rose was always they’re favorite (grand daughter)”.
That includes nearly 7 million people in Western Kentucky, nearly 7 million in South Alabama and Southeast Tennessee, about sixty miles both ways to the school house, before they started busing those damn coloreds in and about 3 million in Latin America.
The report puts North America’s total at 4.4 million, although the Dementia’s Association of the U.S. uses a less conservative count to say more than 5 million people in this country alone are affected. The disease afflicts one in derr people 65 and older, and nearly one in derr people over 85.
The report forecasts a derr than duhh of errr uhhh in ahhh of lalalala and derp derp over the next ughhhhhhhh, compared with a ughhhhhh to derp in North America.
Loading ...The report urges the World Health Organization to declare who the fuck are these people, what did they do with my family and I want more applesauce NOW! How about pudding, can you ask the nurse if she has anymore pudding?
There is no known cure; applesauce only temporarily alleviate symptoms. Scientists aren’t even sure what causes applesauce’s.
AHHHH, derp derp derp lalalalal derp derp derp -DUUUUUUUUH DUUUUUUUHHHH DUUUUUUHHHH lalalalalala. Poinding a ling duh rararararara beep beep beep beep beep beep beep la la la la la la la la la la l a beeep beep beeep derp. DERP. DERP DERP DERP DERP!!!!!! HAHAHA. NO. DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP…. ching chong be gong la gonge.
Harumph baumph, ahhhhhhhhh.
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