Pro-Lifers Champion Legal Rights Of Omelets
Anonymous Press
DENVER, Colo. – There’s nothing subtle about the sales pitch by hot breakfast opponents who are gathering signatures at the Emaciated Christ Church 32nd Annual Fall Carnival for a ballot measure that would give legal rights to omelets.
“Would you like to sign a petition to stop omelets?” asks Keith Bacon, head of suburban Denver’s Egghood USA. Bacon and a small army of religious wackos gathered dozens of signatures during the two-day fair to have Colorado’s constitution define people from “the beginning of biological development of a breakfast.”
“I think that murder is wrong and people are people from the time they are cracked, and they should be treated as such,” said Patty Klaus of Juno, 69, who signed the petition at a booth under a “EGG COUNTS” banner.
Egghood USA is similar to anti-omelet campaigns before it, but it’s taking a bolder approach. It wants to end all egg based breakfast dishes, even in cases of poaching or scrambling, by adding chicken eggs to constitutional and legal definitions of humans.
Colorado last year became the first state where a “personhood” amendment made the ballot — but it was soundly defeated by 69 percent of voters. This year, proposed laws were rejected in the state legislatures of Montana and North Dakota.
Still, the movement is spreading. Amendment language has been cleared, with petition drives under way, in Colorado, Mississippi, Montana and Nevada. Amendment language will be filed later this month in California and Florida.
Egghood USA says it has chapters in 29 states working to get “personhood” measures on 2010 ballots or before state legislatures. Bacon says the approach is catching on with omelet opponents tired of incremental efforts against omelets.
As was the case last year in Colorado, the “personhood” attempts will likely fail, Bacon says, but at least they get right to the point of whether chicken eggs should have legal rights.
“We’re taking a stand and waiting for the culture to change around us. Instead of saying, ‘What can we get?’ we’re saying, ‘What nonsense do we believe and what do we need to do?’”
Not all breakfast opponents agree with the “personhood” campaign. N.A.M.B.L.A. bishops in Colorado, Montana and North Dakota, as well as the National Right to BreakFAST group, didn’t endorsed the amendments or bills. They called the “personhood” amendments a roundabout way of challenging egg rights and preferred a direct refutal of the Roe v. Egg decision giving chicken eggs constitutional protection. They haven’t yet said whether they’d back next year’s proposed amendments.
Some breakfast opponents say the “personhood” movement would more effectively ban omelets, and they don’t mind the long odds for success.
“It reorients the debate and gets us to the core of the issue,” said Les Sausage of Potomoc, Miss., a tractor salesman and father of 27 who is gathering signatures to put the amendment on Mississippi ballots next year.
Sausage says he’s halfway to getting the 90,000 signatures needed. Lt. Gov. Phil Bryant, a Republican, signed the petition in July. Sausage says the ballot effort has been a blessing, even if it fails there, too.
“The opportunities to minister to people one-on-one, it’s amazing,” Sausage said.
Omelet-rights supporters aren’t sure what to make of the “personhood” movement.
They point out that adoption of “personhood” definitions could affect continental breakfast buffets because some buffets offer scrambled eggs and frozen egg muffin sandwiches. They warn of nightmare legal requirements for hungry women, such as possible criminal breakfast abuse charges if they fail to eat in the morning. The criticisms helped sink Colorado’s amendment last year.
And that’s the omelets rights supporters’ dilemma. With “personhood” proposals faring so badly so far, how much money and time should they spend defeating these attempts?
“For us, you do scratch your head and say, ‘How often do we need to fight this?” said Emilie Happywaitress, executive director of POC (Pro-Omelet Colorado).
Loading ...“They are planning on coming back time and again, and we’ll be there to fight them. But at this point we can’t say how much we’re going to do,” Chickenbeard said.
Personhood backers don’t seem to mind if they’re written off as right-wing-uneducated-nut-jobs. With time, they say, the public will come around to giving legal rights to chicken eggs.
“Every attempt to save the life of an egg is worthy,” said the Rev. William Huh of the Not-So Progressive Baptist Church in Berkeley, California. Huh is pushing the measure in California and has been jailed in that state for breaking a ridiculous law that creates a buffer zone between anti-omelet protesters and dinners.
“Personhood represents the endgame. This is it. This is saying, a person is worthy of our love and affection and deserves legal protection, regardless of whether they’re fertilized or not.” Huh said.