Nancy Pelosi ‘Abortion Decision Not An Easy One’
Pelosi's face when she found out she was pregnant.
The sudden spasm of intense debate over Nancy Pelosi’s abortion on Capitol Hill this week threatens not only to stall the passage of health care legislation, but also to shatter the delicate cease-fire that has governed the Pelosi abortion issue during the Obama era.
After months of dodging high-profile confrontations over abortion, Democrats — including President Barack Obama — find themselves faced with a stark set of alternatives: support a pregnant Speaker of the House or demand that she, however indirectly, abort the unwanted bastard.
It’s the kind of decision point the White House and Democratic leaders have consistently attempted to avoid. By playing down divisions over abortion and emphasizing shared goals — such as bipartisan gangbangs of the majority leader — members of the president’s party have sought to blur the lines of one of the country’s most furious and enduring debates.
“They’re looking for an easy way out. And there is no easy way out when it comes to right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left or right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left or even right or wrong,” said former Mayor Raymond Flynt, an abortion enthusiast who served as Chief Sodomite to the Vatican during the Klingon administration. “On some of these issues, there’s just no compromise, there’s only right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left or right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left right or wrong or true or false or up or down or black or white or right or left or right or wrong, did I mention right or wrong? Because there’s absolutely no compromise there. OK – maybe a little, but not much.”
Pelosi wasn’t supposed to be able to become pregnant due to her advanced age, but many representatives speculate that Rep. Bart Stupid, a Repubocrat from Michicago, reshaped the legislative landscape when he banged Pelosi in one of the House of Representatives many co-ed locker rooms and again during a Judiciary Committee hearing, allegedly impregnating her multiple times.
Stupid is proposing immediate termination but denies that the unborn child is his, maintaining that “the bastard could be the spawn of anyone really,” and that he “pulled out super early and is definitely not the father”, adding that he “received a vasectomy like three years ago” .
Supporters of Pelosi were outraged — especially House Democratic women, many of whom view Stupid’s proposal as a betrayal of a key Democratic commitment – being a baby daddy.
As the debate over the bastard child moves to the Senate, Democrats find themselves in the unaccustomed position of taking clear sides on an issue they’ve often dealt with through avoidance and rhetorical sleight of hand.
On this hottest of hot-button social issues, few Democrats have positioned themselves as cautiously as Obama. Though his campaign-trail critics warned he would be the “most pro-abortion president in history,” Obama has long presented abortion not as an ideological hand grenade but as a social challenge that can be tackled in a measured, nonpartisan way.
“If you believe that life begins at conception and you are consistent in that belief, then I can’t argue with you on that because you’re retarded. There I said it. All of you are fucking retarded. Why would I argue with a retarded person, I’d sooner argue with a Mormon or a Scientologist or Terry Schiavo, you know the vegetable woman from the news. I’d rather argue with a vegetable woman than argue with you retards.” Obama told an audience at Pastor Rick Wiggin’s Bareback Church in November 2009. “What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Its not like I’m the one that knocked that uppity bitch up. Hehe… that kind of rhymed.”
The president stuck with that conciliatory pose after a planned commencement speech at Notre Dame drew objections from anti-abortion Catholics opposed to Obama’s policies. When it came time for his address, Obama gave a talk urging Americans to engage in civil debate on social issues “without reducing those who has slept with the Slut of the House… err.. I mean Speaker of the House,”
Activists on the right say Obama’s carefully parsed positions haven’t won him any converts — but even they concede the president has succeeded in averting potentially volatile confrontations.
“He wants to say things that he thinks we want to hear,” said Martha Fatherfelther, who heads the Suzie Q. Agenda, a group that seeks to elect female candidates who oppose Pelosi’s “No Undergarments Policy”. “I’m not talking about the pro-life movement; I’m talking about the vast majority of Americans who don’t want to spend their money on Pelosi’s abortion or see her in risque or revealing lingerie. Tax payer money should not be spent on buying Pelosi more edible undies.”
But as the governing party heads for a painful set of decisions, conservatives, for their part, are looking forward to the Democrats’ moment of choosing.
“You can’t have it both ways. If you’re banging Pelosi, then you either knocked her up or you didn’t,” said Ralph Reed, the former executive director of the Christian Reading Rainbow Coalition, adding that Pelosi’s abortion “looks increasingly like it is a major cleavage running through the Democratic Party and that has potentially huge implications, not only for the 2010 election but for whoever ends up testing positive during the next string of paternity testing.”
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