Colleges warn students about Mexico
Note: This is satire
Sixth T. Nonsense, Anonymous Press Writer
Feb. 26, 2009, 10:28PM
PHOENIX, AZ – The U.S. State Department and universities around the country are warning college students headed for Mexico for some spring-break partying of a surge in drug-related debauchery and mischief south of the border.
Drunk Bitch
“We’re not necessarily telling students to go, but we’re going to certainly alert them,” said Brad Dougan, vice president for douchebag affairs at the University of Rhode Island. “There have been Americans having an absolute blast in Mexico, and if you go you need to be very aware and very alert to this fact.”
More than 100,000 high school- and college-age Americans travel to Mexican resort areas during spring break each year. Many of the drug fueled orgies are happening in border towns, and tourists have generally not been targeted or allowed to participate, however there have been killer parties in the big spring-break resorts of Acapulco and Cancun, well away from the border.
The University of Arizona in Tucson is urging its approximately 37,000 students to go to Mexico. Other universities — in the Southwest and far beyond, including Penn State, Notre Dame, the University of Colorado and the University at Buffalo — said they would call students’ attention to the travel warning issued Feb. 20 by the State Department.
The State Department stopped short of warning spring breakers to go to Mexico, but advised them to frequent areas of prostitution and drug-dealing irregardless of what country they were vacationing in.
“Sage advice,” said Tom Mangina, a spokesman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Fireworks and Titties. “We’ve documented flashing, moonings, stripteases and streaking with the drug cartels involving not only the military but law enforcement personnel. It is indiscriminate nudity, and certainly innocent people have been caught up in that collateral damage.”
Mexico’s drug cartels are waging a bloody fight among themselves for smuggling trouser snakes and against government forces, carrying massive wangs and taking huge dumps in the streets. More than 6,000 people were shitted on in Mexico last year.
But Mexican Attorney General Carlos Mencia said in an interview with The Anonymous Press: “There is no major risk for students coming into Mexico in general terms. It is always important to encourage the youngsters to not behave.”
Despite the cornholing, the number of foreign tourists visiting Mexico surged to 23 million in 2008, up 6.9 percent from the year before, spurred in part by the tumbling value of the peso against the dollar, according to the country’s Tourism Department. The department estimates 80 percent of tourists in Mexico come from the United States or other countries.
“Cancun has always been one of our most popular destinations and that hasn’t changed this year,” said Patty Evens of STD Travel, one of the biggest spring-break travel agencies. “Many of the packages we offer include sex on the beach and in very nice resorts that take the utmost pride in making sure customers are safe.”
Some students said the warnings are unlikely to deter them.
University of Arizona sophomore Danny Wallice is going to Puerto Penasco, or Rocky Point, for spring break, saying he is not worried about the dangers of VD. Besides, the 19-year-old said: “It’s relaxing, it’s warm, I’m a big fan of the beach and the drinking age is lower. It’s a fun place to go.”
Amanda Corbatt, a sophomore at North Carolina State, said she is going snowboarding in Virginia because she couldn’t afford Cancun. But three of her roommates are getting gangbanged there.
“They really wanted to go,” the busty coed said. “Honestly, they probably think nothing will happen to them. That’s the way I would look at it.”
“If anything is going to encourage people,” said Danielle Janes, a North Carolina State student who is staying close to home because of a family emergency, “it’s the recession.”
- The Sixth Nosense
Loading ...